Outtakes: Trump Tango
For the past three years, we have noticed a new dance step coming out of the nation’s capital. The dance is more popular than the Macarena, Floss or Orange Justice, and it’s one that white males have little difficulty performing unless they’re wearing white hoods.
Before you start, you must dye your hair either atomic tangerine orange or butterscotch yellow and then comb it forward. Bald? Find a red baseball cap. Then spray paint your face, but not your eyes, a color that compliments the hair tone you’ve chosen. Avoid brown or tan skin tones at all costs or U.S. Immigration and Customs Enforcement might visit you.
The starting position is to stand erect and only move your head side to side as if you were asked if your presidential campaign had contact with Russians, you had a porn star paid off, you used a marker to extend the path of a hurricane into Alabama or insisted on quid pro quo with the Ukrainian president.
The next move is to pretend you are holding a cell phone and you’re tweeting “fake news,” and then place your hands on your belly and act like you’re a laughing Santa as you spin around twice.
Stop, scowl, point your finger at your dance partner and then shake your fist. Pretend your partner is Jim Comey, Michael Cohen, Robert Mueller, Adam Schiff or an anonymous whistleblower, and you’re blaming them for being on the dance floor.
Actually, it isn’t necessary to have a dance partner. You can simply act like someone is dancing with you or use a life-size cut-out of Matt Gaetz or find a group of Republican lawmakers and do the Trump Tango as a line dance. However, don’t ask Rick Scott—he doesn’t play, or dance, well with others.
The next part is freestyle. The most recommended steps are to pretend to swing a golf club or act like a marionette.
As you begin to tire, return to your standing position and shrug your shoulders as if to say, “Yeah, I did it, but it wasn’t a crime or impeachable offense.” Once you catch your breath, you start all over again—denial, anger, blame, freestyle, admission but so what … and repeat.
While the dance is relatively easy to learn, the difficult part is picking the appropriate music to play. My recommendations are “Steady, as She Goes” by The Raconteurs, “Good Feeling” by Flo Rida, “Livin’ for the Weekend” by Fitz & The Tantrums or my favorite, “You Spin Me Round” by Dead or Alive.
I fully expect Seville Quarter to promote Trump Tango nights soon. Remember, you heard it here first.